Relief

I feel so free......free of this. This morning I was reading my journal from when I first became a Christian, and my heart breaks for the person I used to be. I was so chained down, and so broken..I was trying so hard to be the person I was expected to be since going to church, and that was dragging me down and making me hate the things that I can't change about myself. I wrote "I don't feel like doing anything or seeing anyone because I'll just screw it up" I spent 4 years of my life thinking that my heart is evil, thinking that everything I did was acted upon with leading by my sin. I would feel guilty for reading a magazine. wanting that material item. saying the truth. I would feel guilty for every single feeling I had. Basically, my whole existence was starting to build upon guilt. I will just say this, I will stop pretending. I've been thinking through these things, and I probably sound like a hypocrite who has claimed the opposite many times. Whoever reads this and decides not to talk to me anymore, then so be it. I don't believe I was born a bad person. I don't believe anyone is. I don't believe people of other religions are going to hell, nor do I believe that my parents or any other persons, except those who wicked and act upon their malice, are going to rot in eternal fire. I do not believe good humans are not going to heaven for failing to read their bible every day, for not raising their hands in church or basing their every action and thought on Christ. I truely hope that I don't have to look forward to death, that I can be satisfied with my life on this earth and live to my full potential. I think faith can go a long way without tearing at your heart every time you do something that isn't on line with what a monk would do.
So, old Sarah from the 'do not enter' journal days, you have dropped this burden. It may have taken five years, but you are free. To the timid young girl who asked 'will I ever find myself?'
You have.
Breath, and dream for things of this earth.