Merry Christmas

Right now I am feeling very blessed and...just good. I haven't looked past 'me' lately and it feels nice to stop focusing on my so called problems. I have a house to sleep in tonight, and a big furry cat on my lap. Tonight while sitting with my family, I knew that everything was going to be ok. I mess up sometimes. Ok..a lot. But I have people who love me and God loves me. It's funny how sitting here with my thoughts brings out so many emotions, so many feelings. I can't rely on them. They change all the time. My mind changes all the time. But some things never change...
I need a good ol' bear hug.

Go ahead let your hair down

Christmas is in four days, and I am super excited. I feel like this year I am closer with my family then ever, and am looking forward to spending time with them. I am also sooo excited for the moment when me, my brother, and sister bring out that huge wrapped box with the tickets for my parents. It really is true that giving makes your heart happier than recieving, because I can't stop thinking about the looks that will probably be on their faces when they figure out what it is. I'm also embracing more and more each year what Christmas is actually all about, and why we celebrate Jesus's birth. Though I may not seem it through my blogs, my heart does smile when I think of the Christ in Christmas.

Alone

I just got home after driving around aimlessly by myself. By. myself. Always. I'd like to twist these words around so they sound nice, but it comes down to this- I'm lonely. I have no friends. I have two that I love very much, but they do not understand what I am going through right now. So in retrospect, I have none who can lend me a shoulder, to be there just to listen to these thoughts of mine about some topics. Everytime I get close enough with somebody to share a bit of my heart and thoughts with, they leave, and it's usually after I show who I am. Nobody wants to talk to me beyond 'hi, how are you? good.' What the hell is wrong with me? Am I boring? Could I not possibly have anything beneficial to share with another person? This morning while listening to the preacher, I couldn't help but be overwhelmingly sad that he thinks I am not a good person. I understand that it is not about me. It is about Christ, and I am knowing Him more everyday, but it's not helping that I don't have fellowship with Christians because they all think I am on drugs. Doesn't anybody wonder why I only spend time with my friends from school? Because they areTHERE for me. and are REAL.

I need to leave. I need new faces. I can't breath here.