Merry Christmas

Right now I am feeling very blessed and...just good. I haven't looked past 'me' lately and it feels nice to stop focusing on my so called problems. I have a house to sleep in tonight, and a big furry cat on my lap. Tonight while sitting with my family, I knew that everything was going to be ok. I mess up sometimes. Ok..a lot. But I have people who love me and God loves me. It's funny how sitting here with my thoughts brings out so many emotions, so many feelings. I can't rely on them. They change all the time. My mind changes all the time. But some things never change...
I need a good ol' bear hug.

Go ahead let your hair down

Christmas is in four days, and I am super excited. I feel like this year I am closer with my family then ever, and am looking forward to spending time with them. I am also sooo excited for the moment when me, my brother, and sister bring out that huge wrapped box with the tickets for my parents. It really is true that giving makes your heart happier than recieving, because I can't stop thinking about the looks that will probably be on their faces when they figure out what it is. I'm also embracing more and more each year what Christmas is actually all about, and why we celebrate Jesus's birth. Though I may not seem it through my blogs, my heart does smile when I think of the Christ in Christmas.

Alone

I just got home after driving around aimlessly by myself. By. myself. Always. I'd like to twist these words around so they sound nice, but it comes down to this- I'm lonely. I have no friends. I have two that I love very much, but they do not understand what I am going through right now. So in retrospect, I have none who can lend me a shoulder, to be there just to listen to these thoughts of mine about some topics. Everytime I get close enough with somebody to share a bit of my heart and thoughts with, they leave, and it's usually after I show who I am. Nobody wants to talk to me beyond 'hi, how are you? good.' What the hell is wrong with me? Am I boring? Could I not possibly have anything beneficial to share with another person? This morning while listening to the preacher, I couldn't help but be overwhelmingly sad that he thinks I am not a good person. I understand that it is not about me. It is about Christ, and I am knowing Him more everyday, but it's not helping that I don't have fellowship with Christians because they all think I am on drugs. Doesn't anybody wonder why I only spend time with my friends from school? Because they areTHERE for me. and are REAL.

I need to leave. I need new faces. I can't breath here.

Me for Me

I am truely terrible at making my thoughts and feelings known through speaking, and I'm pretty certain it is painful for a person to listen to and try to interpret my 'uhhh's' and 'i don't know's' That's why I write. A piece of paper wont judge me, or think I'm not good enough. I often wonder what would happen if I would just stop wrestling with myself, if I let go of this fear of speaking. It's a constant battle of me who I wish I was, and who I am. So right now, I am me. I have changed a whole lot this past year, and that is OK. I have discovered so many things about myself, but I wonder if anybody understands what's in my heart. It's always there - the pressure to be somebody. I do not want to be put in a box, work, and die. How terrible it would be to fall into a pattern of spending everyday waiting for an improved tomorrow. I want to look at what is right there, in front of me. I want a family, a want a house with the door always open, like a warm hug. I see these women in church that live a life of dignity and faith that I can't even pretend to have, and I want so much to be like them. To be beautiful and intelligent. Will I ever be? I start to sink in my seat when my classmates tell the college recruiter that they are going to be Anesthesiologists and Lawyers.. I feel not needed on this earth, like I do not have a purpose. It's humbling. I've also been seeing how incredibly fragile love is. They are sobering thoughts and I find myself wanting to run and hide, hoping I can just set it in cruise control and soar through this life..but I can't. In order to love anything, you have to die to yourself, sometimes that is scary, but so freeing. So for now I'll try my hardest stop fretting over what people think of me, or always worrying that I have to earn people's love. Or maybe I will stop trying so hard...and start praying hard. Maybe not.

Beef?

I don't want to spend my days soaking and marinating in my anger and bitterness. I want to live.

If journals could walk

Why was this happening? There, perched on the windowsill of the crisp and cluttered attic was my journal, threating to jump and leave me forever. It was choosing to destroy all my thoughts, memories, and feelings that has flooded the pages since I first picked it up off the dusty shelf the day I decided to bring it home. My breath escaped me and my heart dropped. Time seemed to stop when it looked on me as if looking at a rodent. Pity. Disgust. I turned away. I felt shame and terror as I remembered all the things I have told it, the secrets that have been spilt onto those pages in the most desperate hours.
"You too?"