I am truely terrible at making my thoughts and feelings known through speaking, and I'm pretty certain it is painful for a person to listen to and try to interpret my 'uhhh's' and 'i don't know's' That's why I write. A piece of paper wont judge me, or think I'm not good enough. I often wonder what would happen if I would just stop wrestling with myself, if I let go of this fear of speaking. It's a constant battle of me who I wish I was, and who I am. So right now, I am me. I have changed a whole lot this past year, and that is OK. I have discovered so many things about myself, but I wonder if anybody understands what's in my heart. It's always there - the pressure to be somebody. I do not want to be put in a box, work, and die. How terrible it would be to fall into a pattern of spending everyday waiting for an improved tomorrow. I want to look at what is right there, in front of me. I want a family, a want a house with the door always open, like a warm hug. I see these women in church that live a life of dignity and faith that I can't even pretend to have, and I want so much to be like them. To be beautiful and intelligent. Will I ever be? I start to sink in my seat when my classmates tell the college recruiter that they are going to be Anesthesiologists and Lawyers.. I feel not needed on this earth, like I do not have a purpose. It's humbling. I've also been seeing how incredibly fragile love is. They are sobering thoughts and I find myself wanting to run and hide, hoping I can just set it in cruise control and soar through this life..but I can't. In order to love anything, you have to die to yourself, sometimes that is scary, but so freeing. So for now I'll try my hardest stop fretting over what people think of me, or always worrying that I have to earn people's love. Or maybe I will stop trying so hard...and start praying hard. Maybe not.
