I'm back

With a bunch of deleted entries because some people think it's cool to tell my family about what I write. Anyway, life is kinda fucked up lately. But theirs always ups and downs and thats life. Things will get better.

Every step that I take is another mistake to you...

There was always this one girl in school, the one that questioned everything. Authority, God, her peers, herself. She annoyed the hell out of me. Just when I was content, found peace in my own little circle of belief, she stirred it. She brought up something that shook the foundations of what I'd built my life around, threatened to make me re-think things. I quickly pushed away any doubt I had that would be made known through her questions, and I had people who would challenge her..I was thankful at the time, and I'm sure that is what she wanted. She was sick of watching fakeness unveil.

I was thinking about her today, and my thoughts naturally went to myself. I am now that girl. I want to question everything. I want to challenge people on their own little comfortable happy fake worlds. I want to be different. Even my friends seem to think that I am to caught up with this, but it just makes me mad at how fast I was to accept this idea without questioning it. In no way do I want to disturb anyones peace of mind. Believe whatever you want to believe in. I respect that. But myself, I will continue to question things, no matter who I talk to.

I am now grateful for that girl who stirred up these ideas. It took awhile, but it happened.

Future

Today I witnessed first hand what my future will bring.

I am scared, stressed, excited, happy, overwhelmed

and sleepy.

Shouldn't I be in 3rd grade still?

Dreams

Yesterday was fun and much needed, I went out with friends and tried on Prom dresses. It made me excited for prom, even though last years sucked. It's always fun to dress up though, and I think feeling pretty and confident is a great thing. I'm still feeling sort of sick but I think it is a head cold, hopefully it'll pass soon. My mom got a job and the family seems a little happier, and up-beat. I am really hopeful. We are going to Applebees tonite to celebrate and I'm looking forward to it. So anyway, I had a really scary dream last night. I had a dream that I was driving with somebody and she ran over a girl, and then I hated God for it. I was sitting in church and slapped the preacher in the face, causing an uproar. Dreams always seem a little silly when I actually write them down- but at the time it was really distressing and it hurt. Who knows..I guess I am over it. I hope today will be a nice, relaxing fun day.

Sick?

I really just want to write about something light hearted and easy going, but my mind couldn't be further from that. I've been scaring myself lately. Maybe it's S.A.D, or maybe I just have a cold coming on..but if I could, I would lay in my bed all day. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to see anyone..and this isn't meant to offend anybody, I love my friends, it's just that I can't imagine myself enjoying anything right now. I could be the most popular girl in school, surrounded by everyone, and I still think I wouldn't be able to shake this lonliness I feel. I almost feel...misplaced maybe. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be experiencing something much bigger, much more exciting, and I am sulking around in response to that. I've heard so much that it's God I'm missing out on. That He is the thing I'm missing. Is He? Or is it ...life...that I'm yearning for yet avoiding? I'm so confused and my bed seems safe and comforting. Sleep through it. This will end...
hopefully.

Correction

If I upped and left, I would be leaving my 2 best friends.

They mean so much to me.
And they would care that I wasn't here.......

Blissful Anxiety

I don't feel like doing anything today. Nothing. But at the same time I feel like doing everything. It is confusing and I'm not used to this strange sense of contentment I feel through my ancyness. If my parents came home right now and said that we are moving across the country today, I would start packing my bags. I am eager to start a different part of my life, something new and exciting. I am sick of the familiar, and besides my family, I have nothing to lose if I just up and left. But at the same time, right now in this moment, sitting in my usual room, I'm Okay. Nothing has to change this instant, but I am anxious for the thrilling adventure that is my life to take a turn in a different direction. Maybe I will end up in a different country, maybe in a city or maybe in the middle of nowhere..but I know you won't find me in Pitman. When you see me again, I will have wonderful stories to tell.

But for now, in this time, I'm here. And that's OK.

Vampire Love

OK. I admit it. I'm coming out....

I LOVE THE TWILIGHT SERIES!

No, seriously, I'm one of those freaks that dreams of vampires sweeping them off their feet. I really am jealous of the girl in the story. I would wear a twilight shirt. I want the soundtrack. I would be one of those little girls screaming for Robert Pattinson to kiss them. I painted my nails black just because I'm hoping the image will attract some sort of mysterious vampire that is lurking around the Pitman High school halls, just waiting to fall in love with someone like me.

Just so you know.

Relief

I feel so free......free of this. This morning I was reading my journal from when I first became a Christian, and my heart breaks for the person I used to be. I was so chained down, and so broken..I was trying so hard to be the person I was expected to be since going to church, and that was dragging me down and making me hate the things that I can't change about myself. I wrote "I don't feel like doing anything or seeing anyone because I'll just screw it up" I spent 4 years of my life thinking that my heart is evil, thinking that everything I did was acted upon with leading by my sin. I would feel guilty for reading a magazine. wanting that material item. saying the truth. I would feel guilty for every single feeling I had. Basically, my whole existence was starting to build upon guilt. I will just say this, I will stop pretending. I've been thinking through these things, and I probably sound like a hypocrite who has claimed the opposite many times. Whoever reads this and decides not to talk to me anymore, then so be it. I don't believe I was born a bad person. I don't believe anyone is. I don't believe people of other religions are going to hell, nor do I believe that my parents or any other persons, except those who wicked and act upon their malice, are going to rot in eternal fire. I do not believe good humans are not going to heaven for failing to read their bible every day, for not raising their hands in church or basing their every action and thought on Christ. I truely hope that I don't have to look forward to death, that I can be satisfied with my life on this earth and live to my full potential. I think faith can go a long way without tearing at your heart every time you do something that isn't on line with what a monk would do.
So, old Sarah from the 'do not enter' journal days, you have dropped this burden. It may have taken five years, but you are free. To the timid young girl who asked 'will I ever find myself?'
You have.
Breath, and dream for things of this earth.

Surfacing

Time has gone by and I assumed my thoughts and heart moved on. I was angry, and it dwindled down until I could hardly believe it even happened. Why then, all of a sudden, all these thoughts and emotions are surfacing? I understand, I was young and stupid, and I blame nobody but my foolish self. I learned. Why then does it keep sneaking into my thoughts, why does it keep showing up in my dreams? If only friendship was there.

Merry Christmas

Right now I am feeling very blessed and...just good. I haven't looked past 'me' lately and it feels nice to stop focusing on my so called problems. I have a house to sleep in tonight, and a big furry cat on my lap. Tonight while sitting with my family, I knew that everything was going to be ok. I mess up sometimes. Ok..a lot. But I have people who love me and God loves me. It's funny how sitting here with my thoughts brings out so many emotions, so many feelings. I can't rely on them. They change all the time. My mind changes all the time. But some things never change...
I need a good ol' bear hug.

Go ahead let your hair down

Christmas is in four days, and I am super excited. I feel like this year I am closer with my family then ever, and am looking forward to spending time with them. I am also sooo excited for the moment when me, my brother, and sister bring out that huge wrapped box with the tickets for my parents. It really is true that giving makes your heart happier than recieving, because I can't stop thinking about the looks that will probably be on their faces when they figure out what it is. I'm also embracing more and more each year what Christmas is actually all about, and why we celebrate Jesus's birth. Though I may not seem it through my blogs, my heart does smile when I think of the Christ in Christmas.

Alone

I just got home after driving around aimlessly by myself. By. myself. Always. I'd like to twist these words around so they sound nice, but it comes down to this- I'm lonely. I have no friends. I have two that I love very much, but they do not understand what I am going through right now. So in retrospect, I have none who can lend me a shoulder, to be there just to listen to these thoughts of mine about some topics. Everytime I get close enough with somebody to share a bit of my heart and thoughts with, they leave, and it's usually after I show who I am. Nobody wants to talk to me beyond 'hi, how are you? good.' What the hell is wrong with me? Am I boring? Could I not possibly have anything beneficial to share with another person? This morning while listening to the preacher, I couldn't help but be overwhelmingly sad that he thinks I am not a good person. I understand that it is not about me. It is about Christ, and I am knowing Him more everyday, but it's not helping that I don't have fellowship with Christians because they all think I am on drugs. Doesn't anybody wonder why I only spend time with my friends from school? Because they areTHERE for me. and are REAL.

I need to leave. I need new faces. I can't breath here.

Me for Me

I am truely terrible at making my thoughts and feelings known through speaking, and I'm pretty certain it is painful for a person to listen to and try to interpret my 'uhhh's' and 'i don't know's' That's why I write. A piece of paper wont judge me, or think I'm not good enough. I often wonder what would happen if I would just stop wrestling with myself, if I let go of this fear of speaking. It's a constant battle of me who I wish I was, and who I am. So right now, I am me. I have changed a whole lot this past year, and that is OK. I have discovered so many things about myself, but I wonder if anybody understands what's in my heart. It's always there - the pressure to be somebody. I do not want to be put in a box, work, and die. How terrible it would be to fall into a pattern of spending everyday waiting for an improved tomorrow. I want to look at what is right there, in front of me. I want a family, a want a house with the door always open, like a warm hug. I see these women in church that live a life of dignity and faith that I can't even pretend to have, and I want so much to be like them. To be beautiful and intelligent. Will I ever be? I start to sink in my seat when my classmates tell the college recruiter that they are going to be Anesthesiologists and Lawyers.. I feel not needed on this earth, like I do not have a purpose. It's humbling. I've also been seeing how incredibly fragile love is. They are sobering thoughts and I find myself wanting to run and hide, hoping I can just set it in cruise control and soar through this life..but I can't. In order to love anything, you have to die to yourself, sometimes that is scary, but so freeing. So for now I'll try my hardest stop fretting over what people think of me, or always worrying that I have to earn people's love. Or maybe I will stop trying so hard...and start praying hard. Maybe not.

Beef?

I don't want to spend my days soaking and marinating in my anger and bitterness. I want to live.

If journals could walk

Why was this happening? There, perched on the windowsill of the crisp and cluttered attic was my journal, threating to jump and leave me forever. It was choosing to destroy all my thoughts, memories, and feelings that has flooded the pages since I first picked it up off the dusty shelf the day I decided to bring it home. My breath escaped me and my heart dropped. Time seemed to stop when it looked on me as if looking at a rodent. Pity. Disgust. I turned away. I felt shame and terror as I remembered all the things I have told it, the secrets that have been spilt onto those pages in the most desperate hours.
"You too?"