I'm back

With a bunch of deleted entries because some people think it's cool to tell my family about what I write. Anyway, life is kinda fucked up lately. But theirs always ups and downs and thats life. Things will get better.

Every step that I take is another mistake to you...

There was always this one girl in school, the one that questioned everything. Authority, God, her peers, herself. She annoyed the hell out of me. Just when I was content, found peace in my own little circle of belief, she stirred it. She brought up something that shook the foundations of what I'd built my life around, threatened to make me re-think things. I quickly pushed away any doubt I had that would be made known through her questions, and I had people who would challenge her..I was thankful at the time, and I'm sure that is what she wanted. She was sick of watching fakeness unveil.

I was thinking about her today, and my thoughts naturally went to myself. I am now that girl. I want to question everything. I want to challenge people on their own little comfortable happy fake worlds. I want to be different. Even my friends seem to think that I am to caught up with this, but it just makes me mad at how fast I was to accept this idea without questioning it. In no way do I want to disturb anyones peace of mind. Believe whatever you want to believe in. I respect that. But myself, I will continue to question things, no matter who I talk to.

I am now grateful for that girl who stirred up these ideas. It took awhile, but it happened.

Future

Today I witnessed first hand what my future will bring.

I am scared, stressed, excited, happy, overwhelmed

and sleepy.

Shouldn't I be in 3rd grade still?

Dreams

Yesterday was fun and much needed, I went out with friends and tried on Prom dresses. It made me excited for prom, even though last years sucked. It's always fun to dress up though, and I think feeling pretty and confident is a great thing. I'm still feeling sort of sick but I think it is a head cold, hopefully it'll pass soon. My mom got a job and the family seems a little happier, and up-beat. I am really hopeful. We are going to Applebees tonite to celebrate and I'm looking forward to it. So anyway, I had a really scary dream last night. I had a dream that I was driving with somebody and she ran over a girl, and then I hated God for it. I was sitting in church and slapped the preacher in the face, causing an uproar. Dreams always seem a little silly when I actually write them down- but at the time it was really distressing and it hurt. Who knows..I guess I am over it. I hope today will be a nice, relaxing fun day.

Sick?

I really just want to write about something light hearted and easy going, but my mind couldn't be further from that. I've been scaring myself lately. Maybe it's S.A.D, or maybe I just have a cold coming on..but if I could, I would lay in my bed all day. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to see anyone..and this isn't meant to offend anybody, I love my friends, it's just that I can't imagine myself enjoying anything right now. I could be the most popular girl in school, surrounded by everyone, and I still think I wouldn't be able to shake this lonliness I feel. I almost feel...misplaced maybe. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be experiencing something much bigger, much more exciting, and I am sulking around in response to that. I've heard so much that it's God I'm missing out on. That He is the thing I'm missing. Is He? Or is it ...life...that I'm yearning for yet avoiding? I'm so confused and my bed seems safe and comforting. Sleep through it. This will end...
hopefully.

Correction

If I upped and left, I would be leaving my 2 best friends.

They mean so much to me.
And they would care that I wasn't here.......